Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
We need to put an American base on the sun
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Siri: Retweet me.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”