The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
You Might Also Like
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
incredible