We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
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You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year