Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
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The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard