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My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit