Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?