[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.