“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?