Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
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Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
good for her
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.