I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
even bears disappoint their mothers
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Childbirth is so beautiful
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.