son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Donkey Kong sommelier
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this