Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Merry Christmas
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
These 3D printers are insane!
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My new favorite headline
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops