I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.