I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
A ghost story
so weird how every mom was born today
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”