I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
A family that plays together cheats.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
those birds must be on payroll
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any