My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Whoa 😂
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Good morning, Twitter x
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here