iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
You Might Also Like
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun