[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
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[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
So true for me
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Catercrombie & Fish
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Usage Guidelines
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?