Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.