If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it