Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO