10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital