¯_(ツ)_/¯
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
*Inspirational Tweets*
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*