how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
You Might Also Like
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.