Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.