“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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Is there a class for just the karate noises?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Cardio Made Easy
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.