“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.