[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.