Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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Chicago sounds lovely.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?