PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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That stupid look on my face, is my face
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Bill is short for Billiam
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it