Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.