Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?