Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
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judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.