My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
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For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)