when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
You Might Also Like
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
This January has 47 Mondays
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.