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People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
opening twitter today
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”