Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.