Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Mad Max: Furry Road
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.