The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
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Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.