Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
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Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Life hack
I think this cat is broken
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*