Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.