*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
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My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.