We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Doormats are a gateway rug.