The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
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TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
jesus christ confetti not now
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life