DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.