Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
ACED my prostate exam!
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.