ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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knights of the ikea table
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you