I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
You Might Also Like
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.