MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.