This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
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TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*